before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
