I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
