God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
