Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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