omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
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I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
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Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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