shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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