Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
