My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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