Someone shit on the floor
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
