When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
