I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
