conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
