I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
