I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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