phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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