3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
