Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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