i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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