Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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