I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
