she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
If I die, sorry about rent.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
