if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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