I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
