also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
