he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
