so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
