dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
