can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
