I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
