I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
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i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
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My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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