Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
