Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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