Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
