Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
