I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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