The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Everclear isn't food dammit
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
