new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
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