I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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