Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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