I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Houston, we have a blender
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
