everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
