you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
