I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
