this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
