So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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