apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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