probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
