I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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