I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
