His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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