You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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