im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
