you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
How naked do you want me to be?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
