why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
