I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
