he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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