Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
