how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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