Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
As shirtless as possible
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
