remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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