Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
