somebody snuck up and got me drunk
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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