did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you didnt know i had herpes?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
