Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
