i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
